The Internet Has Become Boring
Everyone is just trying to sell you stuff.
As I slumped in my bed, using my pillow as a big spoon, I scrolled through YouTube for the zillionth time. Russel Brand highlights a conspiracy theory about the U.S. government (though probably more real than conspiracy), a young couple builds their tiny house in Australia (yes very tiny), and a girlfriend does a prank on her boyfriend (something about a fake lottery ticket — my mother does that one on me all of the time).
Scrolling through the internet is much like strolling through the city. Is that a cat cafe or meme? Both are trying to catch my attention. One attempts to lure me into paying for a chocolate croissant to nibble on while a cat nibbles on my finger; the other coaxes me to spend more time on a platform that harvests my personal data and markets a cat tree & condo to me. I can’t even pay for a real condo and you think I can pay for a condo for my cat?
Before, algorithms sucked me in — I would open up ten tabs to binge content as if it was my second marathon of Bridgerton. A video followed the next in quick succession. One after the other, and another, and another, and…I squinted my eyes to peer into the blue light screen even closer. Is this another how to get rich post? A video might masquerade as a peaceful yoga session, but then they pitch thier app idea. I’m watching you get sloppily drunk with your mom’s friends and you ask for me to buy your live, love, laugh merchandise in the comments. I thought you joyfully wanted to share information about how the metaverse might proliferate scams, but then you try to sell me on your NFT project?
What gives? If you read between the lines, or just in the description box, you will see a call to action to a free workshop to convert you to their paid offering. Lucky you!
Listen, I don’t look down on the sales game — I worked in it for a year. No, this capitalism has spawned a new realization:
This Tumblr-generation girl might actually be bored with the internet.
God, I miss when it was only sharing embarrassing pictures of friends and reading off-the-cuff remarks that only turned into a semi-brawl. I don’t want to build a multi-million dollar empire in my 20s. I don’t care about the rise of Blue Bottle Coffee (I don’t even like coffee). I don’t need to learn about your morning routine that ensures that you are oh so productive. I will not get pulled into your video about how much a Medium writer makes.
This is starting to feel like a rant, but it feels good. Like dancing at an outdoor festival, with sweaty bodies close to you. Like the feeling of fresh water on your face after exiting an airplane. Like that kinetic spark when you hug a good hugger.
Is it naive of me to ask if we can decouple information from money? Yes, indeed it is. The internet is a massive storefront. So long as there is wo(men), there will be something they will want to sell you.
Ooh, but what’s that? You think one day I will ask you for money? Probably so. Sorry in advance.
#MondayRant
Mondays are for ranting. This week we explore the pervasive money-grabbing efforts of internet citizens.
